Restaurant Review - Sceek'a
A galaxy-renowned chef across NGC 3254, this flagship restaurant of Xis for over 250 years remains the standard in ʒumi cuisine.
Sceek'a is more than a name. It is a by-word in the dictionary of ʒumi culture. Inhabitants of the planet ʃoˈɲele ʒeˈjuʒa (pronounced Mandai) have existed in peace for over 5000 years without as much as inspecting a few of their own moons. These are a deeply cynical but homely bunch of aliens. This is reflected in one of their greatest exports to the wider galaxy. Before we get into the food and the overall review of the restaurant, I’d like to provide a bit of backstory and context for who exactly Sceek'a is, why xe is so renowned and how xe came to be so.
Sceek'a was one of the most gifted chefs to emerge from the ˈlatau̯ ta (literally translates as Food School) in the capital city of ʃoˈʒimi, a place renowned locally as producing the masters of ʒumi cuisine for many centuries. Xe was found to be particularly gifted in the preparation and presentation of a food known as au̯ˈwəfu (fatty meat) and this is why me and my trusted translator have turned up at xis restaurant today, to sample this rather tough and bold culture, cuisine and surrounding.
Although a natural temper never eluded xem in the kitchen, there was an undeniable and never-ending thirst for knowledge and perfection whenever Sceek'a would throw on the traditional velvet apron of the ʒumi. Although xe specialised in au̯ˈwəfu, xe never stopped there, with so many different culinary creations becoming staples over the course of several decades after being perfected inch by inch at the ˈlatau̯.
There was ŋɛnˈku, a simple crustacean dish covered in vegetal soup that won his first batch of awards, Rayyiiwuun which began life as a complex plate of carbohydrates but was gradually perfected into a prize winning selection of blue noodles and burnt ends. Not to mention, who could forget the mind-blowing khéaws khew, a spicy inferno in your mouth. You’ve heard of trojan horse spice? Whereby the spice is delayed for a few seconds before it hits you? Sceek'a managed to create a recipe where the spice more or less trundles in at a snails pace, meaning that it doesn’t hit you until the specially made dessert, which combines soft, creamy honeycomb vanilla ice cream with the inevitable forthcoming fiery heat. To the human palate it’s almost unthinkably scary, but yet is delightfully and intensely pleasurable to the ʒumi.
Entry to the restaurant is like stepping into a royal palace. Such time has passed that Sceek'a has been able to transform the surroundings into something quite literally fit for a king. Xe has lavished the place with white marble, blocks of gold, platinum and most strikingly, tables made of sparkling Jade. Xe knows the customers come for the full experience, not just the food. As soon as you set foot on xis property, xe wants to make you feel like the most important being in the galaxy. Doesn’t matter who you are, if you’re xis customer, you matter in that moment to xem.
Decked out in lush purple carpeting, white fabric is splayed throughout the upper echelons of the setting. The roof reaches far higher than one can imagine, settling into a colour only know as Nyeel in English, it doesn’t exist on the human spectrum of sight so it is sadly impossible for me to describe or understand it.
Soft music is played in the background from a Yangno player, the ʒumi equivalent of a piano. Except with twice as many keys thanks to the fact they have twice as many arms. The music is meant to relax the digestive muscles of ʒumi and related species and prepare them for an exciting meal… It does however have a sort of Brown Note effect on xem sadly and it does mean the lovely sounds are regularly interrupted by the sound of flatulence from across the other tables. I was informed at this point by my translator that this is seen as a sign of respect.
Upon seating you are not given a menu as expected, there is a large screen present which shows that day’s menu. You do not deviate from this, you don’t ask for special changes, you don’t adapt or swap the order around. You eat what you are given or you have your table swept from under you and are told in no uncertain terms to leave the premises. Just as Sceek'a ximself commands respect, xis food is an extension of xim. Therefore you respect it like you would do xim. Have an allergy or some sort of health issue which means you can’t have a certain ingredient? Tough, come back another day, you won’t be charged. For the record you are told in advance what the menu will be and are given the opportunity to re-arrange at no cost to you so it’s a rare occurrence that someone argues back these days, xis reputation succeeds xem.
We picked a day that we knew au̯ˈwəfu would be on the menu and perused the other three courses in preparation, there was of course a starter, a main, a dessert and a unique custom to ʒumi cuisine, a kingkêlêêng, which translates as Super Dessert. I was seriously looking forward to that.
Following an order of drinks (water for us both as ʒumi alcohol is one of the few that is toxic to humans, and is not recommended by Sceek'a anyway) the starter arrived. A large poached Aryakuian egg floating in herb mousseline and truffle foam, with mushroom sprinkles on top, for flavour and effect. Already decadent enough but when you pierce the egg and the yolk comes trickling in all runny like a river of gold into the already luxurious liquor, it’s enough to make your palette simply ascend. The combinations are fierce and charming all in one. They simply take off and don’t stop, each bite more warming than the last. It’s a perfect set up to the main event and frankly deserves more than a few sentences but when you’re playing second fiddle to something so iconic, sadly it will have to make-do with being the most beautiful bridesmaid in the world.
As if by magic, out came the au̯ˈwəfu, it is treated almost like a religious experience. Something akin to how a haggis is treated on Burns Night in Scotland, music is piped in as the lights are lowered, a sensory treat for the ages. You can smell it as soon as it reaches the door, an unforgettable beefy smell so pungent it makes your eyes water, never mind you mouth. Then comes the ritualistic banging on the table from the handful of ʒumi patrons present that evening, they pound their four hands in rhythm for a good 20 seconds before the lights come up and the waiting staff are all stood next to their respective tables ready for the cutting of the meat. You are handed a plate chock-full of blue noodles and ʒumi vegetables before the waiter piles on the sacred meat personally.
You don’t ask for rare, medium rare, well done or any of that nonsense, you eat it as recommended by Sceek'a of course and why wouldn’t you? It’s so soft and delicate, you’re looking at it thinking it could be tough but the beefy goodness just slides down, it melts in your mouth to such a stupid degree that it’s like eating pure velvet. Combine it with the perfectly cooked blue noodles and it’s hard to imagine how food from this side of the galaxy can hardly be better. As a main course it’s one the finest in the Universe. You get around 9 or 10 mouthfuls of the stuff, fairly generous mind, especially considering how delicate the food is. The vegetables add a nice tang to proceedings, although I notice the table next to us has left their Parmish legumes untouched.
There is a slight pause whilst the final guests polish of their mains and we all start looking forward to dessert. I notice the Yangno player has stopped at this point and is even tucking in to his own plate of au̯ˈwəfu, the lucky bugger!
As you can imagine, the first round of dessert is a somewhat more muted affair compared to what comes before and after. A simple chocolate yoghurt with white chocolate flakes in a pot the size of a standard tea cup is handed out. This is a fine dish and would be a major standout in most other eateries due to the high quality nature of the ingredients, 55% cocoa fat chocolate no less! But we’ve all had a peek at the kingkêlêêng beforehand and it completely and utterly overshadows the dessert, to a rather unfortunate extent because I can imagine people on Earth who would get addicted to this delightful chocolate concoction.
We all knew it was coming, but nothing could prepare us for the might of the enormous cake that was wheeled out shortly thereafter. It stacked 12 layers high and was a shocking all-white to our human eyes. I am reliably informed by the patrons from across the table that it is in fact another situation where our limited sight denies us more treats, as apparently the cake is multi coloured with up to 7 various shades of the ʒumi rainbow. Similar to how we couldn’t physically perceive the colour Nyeel on the roof, the cake simply known as Cavalcade, requires ʒumi eyes to truly appreciate it in all its glory.
But how did it taste? Simply unbelievable. Believe it or not, cake is a fairly common form of cuisine for many species across many different galaxies. The idea of taking some cream and layering it on some baked flour and sugar; at its most basic level of course, is something that appeals to many without having to cost the world.
The way the buttercream crept out of the sides and flowed onto your plate, allowing you to examine and how rich it is was a real treat. It was at this point that it dawned on us that each layer was also flavoured per the different rainbow colour. The beauty of this is we had no idea what was coming next. I have a feeling this was all part of the experience and done deliberately to give a genuinely unique sensory experience.
We were lucky enough to taste elements of apple, butterscotch, plum, cinnamon and star anise through what we understood was the three colours of Sno, Drenchu and Apfwu. I believe they are sort of, but not really, similar to red and pink but that’s doing them an injustice… apparently, I can’t verify any of this but if you are lucky enough to be ʒumi then if you know, you know.
We did wonder if there was going to be any more unannounced surprises but out came the final drinks, ʒumi coffee is also poisonous to humans so we skipped that unfortunately, and the Yangno player came out for one final piece before we all departed. The song that translates as “Quiet Contemplation” was played in all of its 25 minute glory with serious panache before the patrons rose where possible in rapturous applause.
A triumphant end, to a triumphant evening. Bravo Sceek'a!